When we were younger, my sisters and I had a motto: Losing is for other people. This is what we would say if one of us shared good news about a grade, job, or other accomplishment. It was our way of celebrating each other’s wins, and saying “We’re proud of you!” At one point we discussed a collaborative tattoo. Of course, behind the scenes of our genetic group gloat, we knew that sometimes we were “other people”. We just weren’t going to talk about that.
But I think it’s good to talk about losses, especially as a writer. I was recently listening to an interview with Camille Dungy on the First Draft podcast and when asked about rejection, she said (correctly) that in the writing world, the experience is mostly rejection. The real question is what to do with the wins because so often they meet you at a point of desperation. Then you have to decide whether you still want to say yes in return.
This spring has been full of rejection from publications and writing scholarships and conferences. They land in my inbox with a thud, not so much a soul crushing hammer any more, but definitely a hefty clump of mud or the proverbial wet blanket. We have all been warned rejection comes with the territory of being an artist. Yes, there are an abundance of opportunities, but the slots are finite. Everyone who applies cannot be accepted, and there are absolutely that many talented and creative people out there. So how do we navigate the emotional rollercoaster? How do we stay in love with ourselves and our craft even as other people are evaluating our work, and it comes up short?
Honoring Grief
First, it is important to acknowledge any real feelings of grief over what was lost. Maybe the funding would have really helped. Maybe the residency was going to be gorgeous. Maybe the award would have been validating. Our hopes matter, and we shoot these arrows off on behalf of our future selves. When we get rejected, that particular future self ceases to exist too. There is real grief to be felt.
How to grieve productively is an art and perhaps the real work of our human lives. We don’t need to pretend we don’t care. We don’t have to curse out the judges and believe the system is rigged against us. Maybe we cry, not because we were robbed, but because our grief is valid. We can practice holding it and offer compassion to the part of us that really wanted a YES.
Up and Onward
While honoring our grief is important, we have to keep things in perspective, or we put the parts of us that can move on to the next opportunity at risk. While kicking at a closed door, we might miss an open window (or draw the attention of the neighbors who call the police.)
The word NO actually has many disguises. Initial despair can cause us to think that a NO means Never. That NO is a sign to give up. But NO can also be not yet. NO can be protection. NO can be redirection. Here we can get curious and ask what this particular NO might be trying to tell us. Time and space are important for discernment. Given room, a NO can fully express itself in our lives, and the answers might surprise us. Some losses turn out to be wins after all.
After over four decades of living, I have seen the tide turn a few times. I know that this slate of rejections will eventually yield to a yes or two. What I can’t afford to do is start doubting myself or what my ancestors have planned for me. I firmly believe that what is mine will find me when the time is right. Today I might be “other people”, but I have been a winner before, and I will be a winner again. I just need to keep shooting my shot. In the meantime, someone else got a yes. Congratulations! I am really proud of you.
News and Reviews
I have seen some fantastic art recently. While the Kennedy Center is currently in a lamentable state, DC has many venues offering wonderful events like Appropriate at Olney Theater, Hamnet at Shakespeare Theatre Company, Tracy K. Smith at Planet Word, and Florence and the Machine at Capital One Arena. It is spiritual to be in a room full of people sharing an experience of beauty and joy. If you are feeling down, get out and find some awe.
My next book, PLAYBOOK FOR JUSTICE, is on the way. The release day is November 3rd. You can preorder from Bookshop.org, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and other online retailers now. Please request it at your local independent book store and your library. Pre-orders are a really important way to signal there is interest in this book, even before it goes to print. They will literally print more copies and try to sell them if there are pre-orders. Thank you in advance!
I have poems appearing in these journals and anthologies. Please consider buying a copy to support the publications and other artists.
Teacher Lesley 