A Musing

Have I mentioned I’m pregnant?  I’ll be 30 weeks tomorrow.  10 weeks of baking this bun left.  Right now I am sitting in a noisy multi-purpose room watching the 2nd to last rehearsal of our class play, while 48 kids cut vegetables on the other side of a blockade of tables.  I can feel my baby moving around right now.  It’s a magical feeling – totally distracting when it occurs.  

This year our play is in November.  Last year our play was in March.  The ironic thing is I was pregnant during that play too, but not with this baby.  Had it worked out, I would have been due this week; instead our baby boy should arrive towards the end of January   Oh how the world keeps turning.  

I have one month of teaching left before winter break, and then another few weeks before an extended maternity leave.  I won’t return for the rest for the rest of the year thanks to a generous administration and a dream replacement.  

Last weekend, a fellow teacher and dad of two asked me what I will do for me during that leave.  He is the first to ask this question.  He is a very hands on father from what I can tell.  He knew about all of the mommy groups in our neighborhood, dished on the the best library story hours, and recommended some nearby playgrounds with good bathrooms. “What will you do for you?” he asked.  And truthfully, he hit a chord that has worried me.

It will be the darkest days of January when my baby is born.  Spring won’t show up until at least April, thanks to the return of the polar vortex.  I am from California and hate the cold so I assume we will be pretty housebound. (I am thankful I tricked my husband into staying in our walkable, shoppable neighborhood where there are lots of options for idly wandering the aisles, as long as the baby is quiet.)  I’d like to think of myself as an intellectual.  One who really likes reality TV too.  I’m not a crafty lady or a tinkerer.  I don’t knit or code or scrapbook or cook.   I don’t like team sports or group exercise situations where people remember your name.  I never really had many hobbies – I like to work.  To fill up time in the past, I’ve signed up for committees, coached cheer, found tutoring clients, and started this blog.  Even when I volunteer, it is usually to do more teaching. Maternity leave is about not working and paying attention to your baby.  All of my usual crutches and time sucks will be less accessible. Everyone says I won’t have the time or energy to do anything else except mother anyways.   Then again I hear some people go crazy if they delve too far into the infant mind, and you’ve got to have a mental place to come up for air.  

What will I do for me?  

I don’t know yet how this will all play out.  I require eight hours of sleep, which I am reluctantly accepting will not be possible anymore, so that is my first concern.   I also have learned one should turn the TV off while the baby is awake lest you forget to talk to it and deprive it of early verbal exposure and social interaction.  And I was going to upgrade to the good cable…

What will I do for me?  

I guess the real problem is that I don’t know who I will be after this baby is born.  I do know it will fundamentally change me.  Having a baby is a life changing event, and I am going to literally be a different version of myself once it occurs.  I don’t mind this process.  I’ve gone through it before – when I moved to New York, when I discovered I was a teacher, when I got married.   Each time I like who I am a little bit more even as I miss the various skins I have to shed in order to grow.  I have also learned that it is hard for an old self to make big plans for a new self.  The old self has little idea what the new self will want, so it’s best not to get too invested in big ideas about what the new self’s life will be like.   

So for the moment, like all good questions that don’t have answers, I am just glad someone thought to ask.  

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